I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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