Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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