Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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