he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
He did a backflip because drugs
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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