from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
