hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
