i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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