we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
