Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
