Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
we're so committed to being not committed
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
