I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
