woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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