You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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