it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
i think my cat just said my name.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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