tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
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