this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
