trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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