There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
