he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
