U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
