Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
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