I'm so fucking centered right now
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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