Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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