I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
