Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
