I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks