She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
Just dont open the beer drawer.
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The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
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Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?