my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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