Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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