i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
