you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
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