I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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