So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
