You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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