I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
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dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
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Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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