so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
