jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
