Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
