Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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