Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Randomize
