bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
you didnt know i had herpes?
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
