I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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