I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
