shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
