As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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