grandma shit on top of the toilet
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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