Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
