i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
