i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
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