So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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