at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
