I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize