I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
