I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
My vagina is very pro this idea
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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