what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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