Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
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You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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