So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
